Time Out

I recently took a time out from being Mama.  It was time I definitely needed to refresh and recharge, and to remember what life was like before having children.  My adventure started with a flight to London Heathrow, then a train to Paddington, then a car ride through the countryside of England.  Wouldn't you know travel is so much easier without carseats and strollers.  My first two nights were spent at an incredible place in Somerset called Babington House where I was reunited with some of my best high school friends (we shared a boarding school experience that bonded us for life).  Jet lag really worked in my favor considering California was 8 hours behind England - this meant I rallied the troops into a late night in the lovely bar and drank two of the local boys under the table (okay it hit me hard the next day that I probably shouldn't have ended my night with those two zambucca drinks).  I was free from responsibility and made the most of every minute.

My second day in England was my good friend's wedding and it was incredible.  What a gorgeous couple, beautiful family and friends, and an incredible setting.  I was giddy with all the love.  We all had another late night, dancing the hours away and enjoying quite a party.  Some people might think that going to weddings would be wierd for someone going through separation, but I have to tell you I find great comfort in seeing the strength of love and the hopefulness of new unions forming.  I love weddings and marriage and saw first hand in this particular union two people who lift each other up, each making the other a better person.  Coming home from this wedding I realized this to be my definition of success in a relationship - when two people together equal far greater a sum than the value of each individual alone. 

I spent a total of 6 days in England and had a really fantastic time away.  Here are some fun facts that I took away from my "time out:"

• Being hung over is not so bad when you don't have kids to care for
• I really like to dance
• Sitting around with friends talking for hours into the night is so much fun
• Claw footed tubs set in bathrooms of marble are very luxurious
• The exchange rate on the Pound is depressing
• Telling someone you aren't wearing "pants" (ie, you are wearing a skirt instead) actually means something quite naughty (think Britney Spears on TMZ)
• I enjoy English accents

Since I didn't take photos of myself in front of famous London monuments, I leave you with these images of very English things:



Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Most people don’t go into relationships hoping to change the other person (although I will say I quite enjoyed “helping” my college boyfriend learn how to dress nicer).  Change happens inevitably in any relationship and most often as a result of an outside force – the increase of financial responsibilities due to home ownership, having children, etc.  These things tend to force change upon people and sometimes before they are ready.  People’s responses to change can be all over the board from taking complete responsibility to running the other direction.  Life situations certainly drive change, but what about when the person who says they love you for who you are wants you to change a thing (or two)?  They may come from a place of wanting you to become an even better version of yourself (be it healthier, fitter, or happier), but unless you also see the need to change you will most likely take their suggestion as an insult.  I got to thinking about change this week after another insightful “couples” therapy session.  I Googled “can people change” and came across plenty of internet garbage, but also some interesting articles.

In reading the following article, I found this quote particularly interesting: “In a modern culture driven by instant gratification, many people feel that fighting about recurring issues is enough of a reason to end a relationship.”  Is this a flaw of my generation – are we so used to our consumer instant gratification that we also expect the same in relationships.   If our current partner does not meet our “ideal” do we toss them aside and trade them in for the next possibly more “ideal” partner, much like discarding the iPhone 3G because the newer and improved iPhone 4 just came out, even though the former served us well and had almost all the features we wanted?  Only to realize even the iPhone 4 has its flaws.  How do we get to a point where we feel like Bruno Mars and find the other person “amazing, just the way [they] are” even after the honeymoon phase in a relationship (you know, the period of time where we think the other person’s “$%&@ don’t stink”) ends.  Getting back to change, a good friend of mine believes relationships between two people change over time - you could be in a very different relationship now than the one you started out in or the one you’ll be in down the road.  The trick is learning to change together to grow stronger and not apart.

My therapist made one statement this week that really stuck with me when both the ex and I were feeling a bit crappy talking about the past and where we are at in our separated state – change occurs when things are tough, not when things are going well.  It is in the moments that might really seem the lowest in a relationship that the most change is occurring - sometimes even for the better, if you can see beyond the pain.     

Edited to Add...

...okay, I may reconsider getting some "help" to regain my feminity at some point in the future.  It appears that the "good" fat on my body has disappeared along with the bad fat, and while I enjoy being in shape I feel less womanly than I did.  Maybe it's just that I spent the last 5 years with hormone-induced or breastfeeding-induced hypertrophy of the breasts, but one thing I can say is I miss my boobs.  Maybe I just need some time to adjust to being the size I was in early puberty...

In the Name of Beauty

Every 4-6 weeks I go to a complete stranger and allow her to electrocute my va-jajay...all in the name of beauty.  No this isn't some fancy new shock therapy geared towards increasing "drive" or rejuvenating the privates, but rather plain old laser hair removal.  A procedure I have been thinking about doing for many years now, you see, although I'm blond (with a little help) I descend from ancestors of the hairy-German variety - my maternal grandfather had some impressive hair growth on his fingers and toes and a carpet-like covering on his chest and back.  Luckily that was counterbalanced in my genetic make-up by my fairly-hairless father.  Needless to say I have griped about shaving my armpits and bikini area for years.  And since this is my year of change I took the plunge and handed over a wad of hard-earned cash to get tortured every 4-6 weeks.

We of the woman-kind seem to enjoy torturing our bodies in order achieve (or retain) beauty.  We cannot simply age gracefully because our society places such high value on youth.  I recently watched an Oprah with Teri Hatcher and some other older-generation beauties in which they were discussing just this matter.  Our life-expectancy is increasing, yet society has little regard for people over a certain age and there is an intense pressure to remain looking young.  Women can't just be 50 and look 50, they need to be 50 and look 30 (without looking like they've had "work" done).  So does that mean at 30 I should still look 15? 

As a woman no longer in her 20s what I want in a future partner has evolved.  He will be someone who looks beyond outward appearance and appreciates me for who I am.  He will love how I look now, but won't love me any less if my looks fade into an older version of what they are today.  I don't plan to be a woman who surgically seeks continued youth.  We'd all like smooth and flawless thighs, flat abs, and perfect boobs that point skyward, but we can't all stay looking 20 forever.  My stomach shows proof of having born two gorgeous children and when I look at it in the mirror I find incredible beauty in that. 

"Couples" Therapy: Insight into Men v. Women

We haven't been a couple for 5 months now, but the ex and I are finally going to therapy together.  We have two children so we need to be on the same page so our focus began with them.  Inevitably we've also delved into the demise of our relationship.  Our story is likely no different to any other couple's story - when communication lacks relationships suffer.  He wanted something from me but didn't communicate, I wanted another thing from him but didn't communicate.  We all assume the other can read our minds or know what we want.  We assume our significant other knows us well enough to know when we're upset about something.  Ehhh <insert annoying buzzer noise>.  What I realized from talking to the therapist (and something I thought I always knew) is that men and women are SO incredibly different in how they think and communicate - it really is a wonder that any relationships work long-term.  I guess those that make it know how to talk it out.  You get upset or want something from the other person, you talk or yell or fight it out, then you get on with life. 

One significant difference that came up in our therapy session is what invigorates women versus men to be "in the mood."  Men (and this is a generalization, some like random things like computer servers and ewoks and star trek) are visually stimulated and like sexy things; women on the other hand respond to their significant other doing things like cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes, or helping relieve their stressful burden of household chores in a plethora of other ways.  Do men even know that?  I think a lot more of them would be jumping to help tidy the kitchen after dinner if they did.  I did a little (non-scientific) research and came up with a hilarious series of pictures from a book called Porn for Women

I don't know about you but I'd certainly be more "in the mood" if someone cooked me dinner and cleaned up too without being asked.  I found the following in one more scientific article: "According to research conducted in the “love labs” of Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington, when men contribute more domestic labor, their wives may be more likely to get “in the mood.” Coltrane said wives may be less stressed over balancing work and home. In addition, Coltrane, Gottman, and other social scientists report that wives interpret husbands’ domestic contributions as a sign of love and caring and are therefore more sexually attracted to their mates. Although there is more negotiation over who does what in such families, it appears that their relationships actually improve."

Makes sense, right?  So the take home for today's lesson in relationships (from someone who is no longer in one) is communicate, communicate, communicate and subtely drop hints to your man (perhaps print a few articles or e-mail some links) that he might want to think about helping around the house.