Just buzzing around...

In the {many} years since I was single, a lot of advancements have been made on the online/app dating front. Who knew there were so many options of places to "meet" eligible (or not so eligible) guys? My very good single friend suggested Bumble many months ago and I recently got the confidence to officially post my profile and start buzzing (is that a thing?). It's quite official and pulls your real name (gulp) and real age from Facebook.

Some things I've come to realize now that I've been exposed to this type of dating for a couple of weeks:

• There really is someone for everyone!
• I am not generally attracted to blond/fair/red-headed guys or Asian guys - swipe left
• I find it a real turnoff when the guy is riding a motorcycle or shooting a gun - swipe left
• So many guys take photos with dogs (not necessarily theirs) and children (never theirs, how creepy) thinking this will attract women - swipe left
• There are A LOT of douchebags and frat boys of all ages - swipe left
• You can't tell whatsoever if someone is a) gay, b) married (apart from those that don't show their faces in their pics),or c) if they really exist (see below pics for those I believe are in this category)

It does provide some entertainment value when I'm home alone with my second glass of wine, and I have started chats with a few guys. This app is supposedly the feminist Tinder or something like that because first you need to both find each other attractive in your sampling of photos, then the woman has to make the first move by app texting the guy. He then has 24 hours to respond. In some cases I just don't know what to write, so its a bit intimidating (helps when I've had that second glass of wine). "Hey guy, I liked what you said in that one paragraph blurb on yourself which told me absolutely nothing about you (other than if you very kindly told me your height - which for me is a thing...I somehow always go for tall, 6'4" being my recent favorite height)." Then he responds something uninteresting and I give up.

I did find one cute tall dark-haired guy that I'm actually going to meet up with for a glass of wine. I'm feeling brave, and thought, why the heck not. For the experience of meeting someone in real life. For something interesting to write about. Who knows, he might be really cool and interesting to talk to.

For now I leave you with the Unicorns of Bumble. I really do not think they exist in real life. Someone has posted photos of models to ruin the chances of all the "ordinary" men on this dating app. Nothing looks good after you stumbled upon one of these guys, and they never match with you. They probably like guys. Enjoy!

And here we are...5 years later

Cyber world, I think I missed you! I forgot how to write, how to revel in the humor of painful life experiences, how to be me for a while. I've been in a whirlwind of a storm that had a nice calm eye in the middle but on either side it felt like I would almost be swept completely away into the void.

It would be an understatement to say so.much.has.happened! To bring you all up to speed, after many months of therapy (some sessions good, some grueling) the ex and I made it back on the same track together. It took immeasurable forgiveness and shocked most people we knew that it was possible for us to "date" again. Looking back, it was good that our children were so young because they hardly knew what it meant that daddy didn't live in our home, and they barely noticed when he started hanging around again. We did it and it all looked like success - the statistics were not going to bring us down (at least yet). Divorce attempt 1.0 was cancelled and we proceeded on our married way.

Fast forward 5 years and 2 moves, a house purchase, some international travel, and the addition of a dog to the family. We saw the highs and lows of any relationship, but with the added complexity of an 'almost divorce.' My heart was guarded; he didn't say "I love you" until well into our 2nd year back together. We kept our money separated so we wouldn't argue about that - a lot of good that did in the end. There were some financial disasters, some feeling neglected, some misconnections and misdirected feelings. We grew resentful and the underlying love and connection that you need to get through hard times as a couple just wasn't there to help us through. I lived my life in constant stress and sad that I didn't have a partner. I started to realize that life on my own would actually be much easier and more fulfilling than life as it was. He was gone a lot finding himself and I was home a lot finding myself happier without him there.

Divorce attempt 2.0 was successful and now I'm recovering from that. In 6 months and 1 day I sold our house and bought a new one and settled into my new reality. Writing about that relationship is not what this blog will be about. That is now in the past. It will always be part of who I am, and will help me to know what I want moving forward. I value the experience (both the joy and the agony) as part of life - and life can be fucking hard as we know. What I plan to write about now that I am in recovery is the joy you can discover after letting go of a dream that no longer is. I will write about my love of wine, food (especially charcuterie as it is served with wine), friendship, love, loss, lust, life! I anticipate some humorous experiences along the way, especially if my recent purview into online/app dating is anything to go by!

I've missed you and I'm glad to be back!

We don't know what we don't know

There are many times in life where I have thought I've known myself, my feelings, what I want for the future.  Again and again I realize there's a lot I just don't know...and you know what that's okay.  One thing I know for sure is that emotions are complex and in matters of the heart you can surpise even yourself in your capacity to forgive and love again. 



Mulligan

As my birthday [rapidly] approaches yet again I have decided that this year I will be turning 30 again.  I'm requesting a "do-over" of last year because when it comes down to it I'd say it was a pretty crappy one.  Not all bad - there were a lot of highlights to 2010 - but when it comes to my relationship and marriage I'd like to call a Mulligan.  Is a "do-over" possible?  I know I can't reverse the aging clock, but I do have a little more control over the divorce clock.  It has been 8 months and what I have realized in that time is there are so many complexities to emotions and there is no clear cut "I feel this way and that won't change."  My processing of what happened and identification of what matters most in life have taken me on a rollercoaster ride.  Sometimes what is rational in your head is completely at odds with the feelings in your heart.  I ended 2010 with a resolve to move forward, but started 2011 (just hours later) with a strong pull in the opposite direction.  Not to go back to what was, but to figure out how to learn from that lesson and heal my relationship.  Our stories are not over, he and I, and both of us have known that the whole time. 

So here I sit, beginning the new year with new resolve.  Resolve to turn 30 again and to learn from life's lessons and grow from them.  To evaluate the most important things in life and to share my feelings honestly.  To work hard at relationships and know that they take hard work.  To voice my needs and to take time to myself.  To rediscover life outside of just being "Mama."  To cherish my relationships with girlfriends and let family know everyday that I love them.  The journey continues but there's not just one path to take; the road diverged along the way and I chose the road less traveled and hope it makes all the difference.

Time Out

I recently took a time out from being Mama.  It was time I definitely needed to refresh and recharge, and to remember what life was like before having children.  My adventure started with a flight to London Heathrow, then a train to Paddington, then a car ride through the countryside of England.  Wouldn't you know travel is so much easier without carseats and strollers.  My first two nights were spent at an incredible place in Somerset called Babington House where I was reunited with some of my best high school friends (we shared a boarding school experience that bonded us for life).  Jet lag really worked in my favor considering California was 8 hours behind England - this meant I rallied the troops into a late night in the lovely bar and drank two of the local boys under the table (okay it hit me hard the next day that I probably shouldn't have ended my night with those two zambucca drinks).  I was free from responsibility and made the most of every minute.

My second day in England was my good friend's wedding and it was incredible.  What a gorgeous couple, beautiful family and friends, and an incredible setting.  I was giddy with all the love.  We all had another late night, dancing the hours away and enjoying quite a party.  Some people might think that going to weddings would be wierd for someone going through separation, but I have to tell you I find great comfort in seeing the strength of love and the hopefulness of new unions forming.  I love weddings and marriage and saw first hand in this particular union two people who lift each other up, each making the other a better person.  Coming home from this wedding I realized this to be my definition of success in a relationship - when two people together equal far greater a sum than the value of each individual alone. 

I spent a total of 6 days in England and had a really fantastic time away.  Here are some fun facts that I took away from my "time out:"

• Being hung over is not so bad when you don't have kids to care for
• I really like to dance
• Sitting around with friends talking for hours into the night is so much fun
• Claw footed tubs set in bathrooms of marble are very luxurious
• The exchange rate on the Pound is depressing
• Telling someone you aren't wearing "pants" (ie, you are wearing a skirt instead) actually means something quite naughty (think Britney Spears on TMZ)
• I enjoy English accents

Since I didn't take photos of myself in front of famous London monuments, I leave you with these images of very English things: