Yeah...no

For a hot second I tried the dating app Bumble, seeing as it's hailed as a feminist app (meaning the woman has to make the first contact once you "match" with someone - and let me tell you how much pressure that puts on you to be clever or interesting) and my friend recommended it. It was entertaining mostly when I was home alone drinking a glass of wine and swiping (mostly left). There were occasions where I would wake up the next day to see who I swiped right and matched with and really wonder what I was thinking. Luckily I refrained from making any embarrassing contacts (mostly because I couldn't think of anything clever to say). One time I matched with a tall guy and I told him I really needed help getting things out of my top kitchen cupboards - he never responded. I also asked someone if they were good with spiders.


You literally get 5 photos and 1 paragraph of information on a guy - and in some cases they don't write anything or write their height (if they are tall) or "taller than you" (if they are short and have a complex). What can you tell in 5 photos? Well, you can tell if they are a douchy/frat boy type pretty quickly, or if they have dirty apartment bathrooms and absolutely no skill at taking selfies. What struck me was how many guys take photos with a dog (not always theirs) and with kids and then very clearly state "not mine" - what are you doing with someone else's kid on a dating site. So wrong.


In my brief time using Bumble, I decided to meet up with two different guys. Mostly as a social experiment to see what kind of story might come out of it. I used the in app texting feature with guy #1 and quickly learned that he was a casual dater and wasn't really looking for anything serious. Well me neither at that point so I met up with him at a wine bar at 5pm. If he was interesting I figured we could grab a bite to eat nearby. First impression when we met up was that he seemed normal enough and was tall and attractive. We conversed over wine, it was like meeting a friend's friend at a party and just chatting casually with no expectations. Dinner never happened because he had already eaten and so I ordered a cheese plate to go with my wine - he informed me he was lactose intolerant and didn't eat any dairy. I thought, good, more for me. I discovered that he'd struggled with weight and had issues with food. Not so attractive in a man - I appreciate healthy eating but not someone with issues about food and guilt over indulging.


Guy #2 I could tell was really into his dog, so at my suggestion we went hiking with our dogs - yeah I know, not the safest way to meet a stranger, but we had our dogs so there seemed to be safety in that. It was 100 degrees and the hike was fairly advanced. I mean, I am in shape but this was a test of fitness to see if I could hang. I sweated profusely and tried to make small talk as we hiked uphill for 30 minutes. He seemed nice, was a little younger, but then low and behold lactose intolerant and some guilt issues with food. Two for two with men and food issues. While he seemed nice enough and maybe we could have enjoyed a meal out and a more normal date I sort of let his texts go unanswered until he stopped trying. Oh no, I just realized I "ghosted" him - he never did try to call though and I'd like to think I would have answered an actual call.


So other than those two I did try mightily to meet up with guy #3 but obstacles kept getting in the way over and over and I took it as a sign. Guy #3 was very attractive, an athlete, a coach, and really seemed like someone  I could have fun with. Not a serious boyfriend contender, more of a fun friend with benefits. The last attempt I made to meet up with him was after a flight back into town that got delayed and cancelled. So I decided fate was intervening and I wasn't meant to start something up with this one (btw - he posed with a dog in one photo that wasn't even his!).


So my foray into app dating was interesting but not sure it's my thing. I don't think you can get enough from 5 photos and 1 paragraph of writing. I find that you can't really know if there's something there unless you physically meet someone - it's often a magnetism that draws you to them, something you can't explain. A sparkle in the eye, a come hither look, a spoken word...there's a lot more than you can get from meeting someone in person and I know the app is a conduit to that, but it seems like a lot of work. It was a fun experiment though and maybe I'll try something like it again...

Just buzzing around...

In the {many} years since I was single, a lot of advancements have been made on the online/app dating front. Who knew there were so many options of places to "meet" eligible (or not so eligible) guys? My very good single friend suggested Bumble many months ago and I recently got the confidence to officially post my profile and start buzzing (is that a thing?). It's quite official and pulls your real name (gulp) and real age from Facebook.

Some things I've come to realize now that I've been exposed to this type of dating for a couple of weeks:

• There really is someone for everyone!
• I am not generally attracted to blond/fair/red-headed guys or Asian guys - swipe left
• I find it a real turnoff when the guy is riding a motorcycle or shooting a gun - swipe left
• So many guys take photos with dogs (not necessarily theirs) and children (never theirs, how creepy) thinking this will attract women - swipe left
• There are A LOT of douchebags and frat boys of all ages - swipe left
• You can't tell whatsoever if someone is a) gay, b) married (apart from those that don't show their faces in their pics),or c) if they really exist (see below pics for those I believe are in this category)

It does provide some entertainment value when I'm home alone with my second glass of wine, and I have started chats with a few guys. This app is supposedly the feminist Tinder or something like that because first you need to both find each other attractive in your sampling of photos, then the woman has to make the first move by app texting the guy. He then has 24 hours to respond. In some cases I just don't know what to write, so its a bit intimidating (helps when I've had that second glass of wine). "Hey guy, I liked what you said in that one paragraph blurb on yourself which told me absolutely nothing about you (other than if you very kindly told me your height - which for me is a thing...I somehow always go for tall, 6'4" being my recent favorite height)." Then he responds something uninteresting and I give up.

I did find one cute tall dark-haired guy that I'm actually going to meet up with for a glass of wine. I'm feeling brave, and thought, why the heck not. For the experience of meeting someone in real life. For something interesting to write about. Who knows, he might be really cool and interesting to talk to.

For now I leave you with the Unicorns of Bumble. I really do not think they exist in real life. Someone has posted photos of models to ruin the chances of all the "ordinary" men on this dating app. Nothing looks good after you stumbled upon one of these guys, and they never match with you. They probably like guys. Enjoy!

And here we are...5 years later

Cyber world, I think I missed you! I forgot how to write, how to revel in the humor of painful life experiences, how to be me for a while. I've been in a whirlwind of a storm that had a nice calm eye in the middle but on either side it felt like I would almost be swept completely away into the void.

It would be an understatement to say so.much.has.happened! To bring you all up to speed, after many months of therapy (some sessions good, some grueling) the ex and I made it back on the same track together. It took immeasurable forgiveness and shocked most people we knew that it was possible for us to "date" again. Looking back, it was good that our children were so young because they hardly knew what it meant that daddy didn't live in our home, and they barely noticed when he started hanging around again. We did it and it all looked like success - the statistics were not going to bring us down (at least yet). Divorce attempt 1.0 was cancelled and we proceeded on our married way.

Fast forward 5 years and 2 moves, a house purchase, some international travel, and the addition of a dog to the family. We saw the highs and lows of any relationship, but with the added complexity of an 'almost divorce.' My heart was guarded; he didn't say "I love you" until well into our 2nd year back together. We kept our money separated so we wouldn't argue about that - a lot of good that did in the end. There were some financial disasters, some feeling neglected, some misconnections and misdirected feelings. We grew resentful and the underlying love and connection that you need to get through hard times as a couple just wasn't there to help us through. I lived my life in constant stress and sad that I didn't have a partner. I started to realize that life on my own would actually be much easier and more fulfilling than life as it was. He was gone a lot finding himself and I was home a lot finding myself happier without him there.

Divorce attempt 2.0 was successful and now I'm recovering from that. In 6 months and 1 day I sold our house and bought a new one and settled into my new reality. Writing about that relationship is not what this blog will be about. That is now in the past. It will always be part of who I am, and will help me to know what I want moving forward. I value the experience (both the joy and the agony) as part of life - and life can be fucking hard as we know. What I plan to write about now that I am in recovery is the joy you can discover after letting go of a dream that no longer is. I will write about my love of wine, food (especially charcuterie as it is served with wine), friendship, love, loss, lust, life! I anticipate some humorous experiences along the way, especially if my recent purview into online/app dating is anything to go by!

I've missed you and I'm glad to be back!

We don't know what we don't know

There are many times in life where I have thought I've known myself, my feelings, what I want for the future.  Again and again I realize there's a lot I just don't know...and you know what that's okay.  One thing I know for sure is that emotions are complex and in matters of the heart you can surpise even yourself in your capacity to forgive and love again. 



Mulligan

As my birthday [rapidly] approaches yet again I have decided that this year I will be turning 30 again.  I'm requesting a "do-over" of last year because when it comes down to it I'd say it was a pretty crappy one.  Not all bad - there were a lot of highlights to 2010 - but when it comes to my relationship and marriage I'd like to call a Mulligan.  Is a "do-over" possible?  I know I can't reverse the aging clock, but I do have a little more control over the divorce clock.  It has been 8 months and what I have realized in that time is there are so many complexities to emotions and there is no clear cut "I feel this way and that won't change."  My processing of what happened and identification of what matters most in life have taken me on a rollercoaster ride.  Sometimes what is rational in your head is completely at odds with the feelings in your heart.  I ended 2010 with a resolve to move forward, but started 2011 (just hours later) with a strong pull in the opposite direction.  Not to go back to what was, but to figure out how to learn from that lesson and heal my relationship.  Our stories are not over, he and I, and both of us have known that the whole time. 

So here I sit, beginning the new year with new resolve.  Resolve to turn 30 again and to learn from life's lessons and grow from them.  To evaluate the most important things in life and to share my feelings honestly.  To work hard at relationships and know that they take hard work.  To voice my needs and to take time to myself.  To rediscover life outside of just being "Mama."  To cherish my relationships with girlfriends and let family know everyday that I love them.  The journey continues but there's not just one path to take; the road diverged along the way and I chose the road less traveled and hope it makes all the difference.