We don't know what we don't know

There are many times in life where I have thought I've known myself, my feelings, what I want for the future.  Again and again I realize there's a lot I just don't know...and you know what that's okay.  One thing I know for sure is that emotions are complex and in matters of the heart you can surpise even yourself in your capacity to forgive and love again. 



Mulligan

As my birthday [rapidly] approaches yet again I have decided that this year I will be turning 30 again.  I'm requesting a "do-over" of last year because when it comes down to it I'd say it was a pretty crappy one.  Not all bad - there were a lot of highlights to 2010 - but when it comes to my relationship and marriage I'd like to call a Mulligan.  Is a "do-over" possible?  I know I can't reverse the aging clock, but I do have a little more control over the divorce clock.  It has been 8 months and what I have realized in that time is there are so many complexities to emotions and there is no clear cut "I feel this way and that won't change."  My processing of what happened and identification of what matters most in life have taken me on a rollercoaster ride.  Sometimes what is rational in your head is completely at odds with the feelings in your heart.  I ended 2010 with a resolve to move forward, but started 2011 (just hours later) with a strong pull in the opposite direction.  Not to go back to what was, but to figure out how to learn from that lesson and heal my relationship.  Our stories are not over, he and I, and both of us have known that the whole time. 

So here I sit, beginning the new year with new resolve.  Resolve to turn 30 again and to learn from life's lessons and grow from them.  To evaluate the most important things in life and to share my feelings honestly.  To work hard at relationships and know that they take hard work.  To voice my needs and to take time to myself.  To rediscover life outside of just being "Mama."  To cherish my relationships with girlfriends and let family know everyday that I love them.  The journey continues but there's not just one path to take; the road diverged along the way and I chose the road less traveled and hope it makes all the difference.