Just buzzing around...

In the {many} years since I was single, a lot of advancements have been made on the online/app dating front. Who knew there were so many options of places to "meet" eligible (or not so eligible) guys? My very good single friend suggested Bumble many months ago and I recently got the confidence to officially post my profile and start buzzing (is that a thing?). It's quite official and pulls your real name (gulp) and real age from Facebook.

Some things I've come to realize now that I've been exposed to this type of dating for a couple of weeks:

• There really is someone for everyone!
• I am not generally attracted to blond/fair/red-headed guys or Asian guys - swipe left
• I find it a real turnoff when the guy is riding a motorcycle or shooting a gun - swipe left
• So many guys take photos with dogs (not necessarily theirs) and children (never theirs, how creepy) thinking this will attract women - swipe left
• There are A LOT of douchebags and frat boys of all ages - swipe left
• You can't tell whatsoever if someone is a) gay, b) married (apart from those that don't show their faces in their pics),or c) if they really exist (see below pics for those I believe are in this category)

It does provide some entertainment value when I'm home alone with my second glass of wine, and I have started chats with a few guys. This app is supposedly the feminist Tinder or something like that because first you need to both find each other attractive in your sampling of photos, then the woman has to make the first move by app texting the guy. He then has 24 hours to respond. In some cases I just don't know what to write, so its a bit intimidating (helps when I've had that second glass of wine). "Hey guy, I liked what you said in that one paragraph blurb on yourself which told me absolutely nothing about you (other than if you very kindly told me your height - which for me is a thing...I somehow always go for tall, 6'4" being my recent favorite height)." Then he responds something uninteresting and I give up.

I did find one cute tall dark-haired guy that I'm actually going to meet up with for a glass of wine. I'm feeling brave, and thought, why the heck not. For the experience of meeting someone in real life. For something interesting to write about. Who knows, he might be really cool and interesting to talk to.

For now I leave you with the Unicorns of Bumble. I really do not think they exist in real life. Someone has posted photos of models to ruin the chances of all the "ordinary" men on this dating app. Nothing looks good after you stumbled upon one of these guys, and they never match with you. They probably like guys. Enjoy!

And here we are...5 years later

Cyber world, I think I missed you! I forgot how to write, how to revel in the humor of painful life experiences, how to be me for a while. I've been in a whirlwind of a storm that had a nice calm eye in the middle but on either side it felt like I would almost be swept completely away into the void.

It would be an understatement to say so.much.has.happened! To bring you all up to speed, after many months of therapy (some sessions good, some grueling) the ex and I made it back on the same track together. It took immeasurable forgiveness and shocked most people we knew that it was possible for us to "date" again. Looking back, it was good that our children were so young because they hardly knew what it meant that daddy didn't live in our home, and they barely noticed when he started hanging around again. We did it and it all looked like success - the statistics were not going to bring us down (at least yet). Divorce attempt 1.0 was cancelled and we proceeded on our married way.

Fast forward 5 years and 2 moves, a house purchase, some international travel, and the addition of a dog to the family. We saw the highs and lows of any relationship, but with the added complexity of an 'almost divorce.' My heart was guarded; he didn't say "I love you" until well into our 2nd year back together. We kept our money separated so we wouldn't argue about that - a lot of good that did in the end. There were some financial disasters, some feeling neglected, some misconnections and misdirected feelings. We grew resentful and the underlying love and connection that you need to get through hard times as a couple just wasn't there to help us through. I lived my life in constant stress and sad that I didn't have a partner. I started to realize that life on my own would actually be much easier and more fulfilling than life as it was. He was gone a lot finding himself and I was home a lot finding myself happier without him there.

Divorce attempt 2.0 was successful and now I'm recovering from that. In 6 months and 1 day I sold our house and bought a new one and settled into my new reality. Writing about that relationship is not what this blog will be about. That is now in the past. It will always be part of who I am, and will help me to know what I want moving forward. I value the experience (both the joy and the agony) as part of life - and life can be fucking hard as we know. What I plan to write about now that I am in recovery is the joy you can discover after letting go of a dream that no longer is. I will write about my love of wine, food (especially charcuterie as it is served with wine), friendship, love, loss, lust, life! I anticipate some humorous experiences along the way, especially if my recent purview into online/app dating is anything to go by!

I've missed you and I'm glad to be back!