"Couples" Therapy: Insight into Men v. Women

We haven't been a couple for 5 months now, but the ex and I are finally going to therapy together.  We have two children so we need to be on the same page so our focus began with them.  Inevitably we've also delved into the demise of our relationship.  Our story is likely no different to any other couple's story - when communication lacks relationships suffer.  He wanted something from me but didn't communicate, I wanted another thing from him but didn't communicate.  We all assume the other can read our minds or know what we want.  We assume our significant other knows us well enough to know when we're upset about something.  Ehhh <insert annoying buzzer noise>.  What I realized from talking to the therapist (and something I thought I always knew) is that men and women are SO incredibly different in how they think and communicate - it really is a wonder that any relationships work long-term.  I guess those that make it know how to talk it out.  You get upset or want something from the other person, you talk or yell or fight it out, then you get on with life. 

One significant difference that came up in our therapy session is what invigorates women versus men to be "in the mood."  Men (and this is a generalization, some like random things like computer servers and ewoks and star trek) are visually stimulated and like sexy things; women on the other hand respond to their significant other doing things like cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes, or helping relieve their stressful burden of household chores in a plethora of other ways.  Do men even know that?  I think a lot more of them would be jumping to help tidy the kitchen after dinner if they did.  I did a little (non-scientific) research and came up with a hilarious series of pictures from a book called Porn for Women

I don't know about you but I'd certainly be more "in the mood" if someone cooked me dinner and cleaned up too without being asked.  I found the following in one more scientific article: "According to research conducted in the “love labs” of Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington, when men contribute more domestic labor, their wives may be more likely to get “in the mood.” Coltrane said wives may be less stressed over balancing work and home. In addition, Coltrane, Gottman, and other social scientists report that wives interpret husbands’ domestic contributions as a sign of love and caring and are therefore more sexually attracted to their mates. Although there is more negotiation over who does what in such families, it appears that their relationships actually improve."

Makes sense, right?  So the take home for today's lesson in relationships (from someone who is no longer in one) is communicate, communicate, communicate and subtely drop hints to your man (perhaps print a few articles or e-mail some links) that he might want to think about helping around the house.