New but not Improved

You know what feels great? Imagining your ex wallowing in despair at his foolishness and regretting his decision to leave for the rest of his life.  The image below is what I was expecting.  And the possible future groveling and begging for another chance.  To which I would gallantly say "pooh, pooh. you had your chance and blew it buster."

You know what doesn't feel great? Discovering that your ex took up with another woman (okay girl) just weeks after he left you.  Did I mention Rebound Girl is 21.  When we had our first child 3.5 years ago Rebound Girl was not yet a high school graduate.  I know what he is thinking.  But what could Rebound Girl be thinking?  Then I remember I was her age when I met him and recall the things that appealed to me at that young, carefree, party-girl age - and let's face it, the ex has not changed in the last 9 years.  And then I also think of all the girls who get caught up with married men, believing that they will leave their wives for them, and feeling special because of it, because they are the chosen ones.  Oh dear poor young girls.  If only you could meet your future selves for coffee and experience the wake-up call of your future hurt.  We all must make our own mistakes though.

It's all good and fine to worry about young girls being foolish, but what about me?  Oh lord did I feel the effects of the ugly green monster of jealousy.  I almost didn't recognize myself.  In an instant my confidence went out the window and I became a shadow of myself, jealous that Rebound Girl had what I couldn't keep.  I started to wonder what was so wrong with me that he left me and went running into some young thing's arms that is not half the woman I am.  Hurt, despair, depression...hello self-loathing.  I couldn't sleep or eat (positive side-effect = weight loss) and I started blaming myself for the downfall of our relationship.  Fast-forward a week and thankfully the real me returned.  Exercising and talking about it with girlfriends brought me back to my sanity.  And the realization that Rebound Girl has a broken man on her hands, a man that doesn't meet my qualifications for a good partner.  Phew, thank goodness my insanity was temporary. 

You know what's funny (okay, none of this is really funny)?  Ex and I used to joke about him trading me in for a younger model (people, I'm only 30 with a lot of life left in me).  The thing he doesn't realize is that while the leather may be smooth and without creases, the new model lacks many of the features that the older and more dependable model has.  It seems that all that matters to ex is that he look cool and drive something that makes people turn their heads and want to be him.  The convertible sportscar may make you feel cool, but there's no room to bring your friends along for a ride, or to strap the carseats in, or to take the long drive through life.  The convertible will only get you so far and then you'll be trading it in for something else in the constant search for a model that makes you feel young and cool and hip once again. 

Retail Therapy

How did I ever live without you?

Revelation

Most of my close family and friends are aware of my current life situation.  Some of you may be hearing all this for the first time.  Four months ago my husband left me over a breakfast conversation as I was getting the kids and myself ready to go to work for the day.  I was a Lakers-playoff widow that week, just as I had previously been a ski-season widow, and I asked my husband if he could watch the Lakers game at home that night.  He bluntly said "No", and I responded "For once I wish you would choose me, us, over everything else." The response I received was "I don't think I can ever do that."  Way to drop a bomb.  Over breakfast?  Really?  So my non-believer-of-couples-counseling husband made up his mind that our relationship was over.  Then and there.  Over breakfast on a random Wednesday.  In front of the kids.  Wow.

It has been four months but I started therapy just two weeks ago.  I have had a lot of support from friends and family and lots of long talks, but there's something about opening-up to someone that isn't partial to one side or another that helps.  Hearing an unbiased opinion and learning that I am not the first (nor will I be the last) to feel how I feel really helps.  As part of my therapy, I've decided to blog about my experience and to open up to the world about how I am feeling about my separation and divorce.  I have moments of anger, of sadness, of hopefulness, of downright depression, and that's all in the course of a day.  Mostly I am content.  I am an incredible mother and have two gorgeous children that fill my heart with all the love I need.  I have a house and a great job and so many loving friends.  I have an amazing mother and dream inlaws (and yes, they will always be my inlaws).  I have a sense of humor about some things, and am fiercely practical.  So much so that after about three days of mourning my marriage I started researching the divorce process and spent the first few months managing my divorce paperwork and the refinance of my house.  I have become my own divorce attorney thanks to the World Wide Web.

Like with all things in my life I set out to be the best I can be.  I set out to be the best wife close to 6 years ago, and now I am determined to set out to be the best single mother possible.  Who knew it would come so easily - actually the day my husband moved out my list of chores grew only by 2 items: take out the trash and pay the gardener.  I had plenty of practice being a single-mom in the previous year, with many a weekend here, 5 days there, and even 10 days on an occasion.  The impact on my life the day my husband moved out was minimal.  Am I allowed to admit that I felt a sense of relief.  I had spent years taking care of a grown man and years putting his needs first; feeling the need to check-in with him before I made plans.  I spent years getting very little back.  I finally felt like I could breathe again. 

So if you feel inclined, join me on my journey through separation, divorce, and beyond.  What the future brings I cannot be certain of.  I am entirely optimistic though.