Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Most people don’t go into relationships hoping to change the other person (although I will say I quite enjoyed “helping” my college boyfriend learn how to dress nicer).  Change happens inevitably in any relationship and most often as a result of an outside force – the increase of financial responsibilities due to home ownership, having children, etc.  These things tend to force change upon people and sometimes before they are ready.  People’s responses to change can be all over the board from taking complete responsibility to running the other direction.  Life situations certainly drive change, but what about when the person who says they love you for who you are wants you to change a thing (or two)?  They may come from a place of wanting you to become an even better version of yourself (be it healthier, fitter, or happier), but unless you also see the need to change you will most likely take their suggestion as an insult.  I got to thinking about change this week after another insightful “couples” therapy session.  I Googled “can people change” and came across plenty of internet garbage, but also some interesting articles.

In reading the following article, I found this quote particularly interesting: “In a modern culture driven by instant gratification, many people feel that fighting about recurring issues is enough of a reason to end a relationship.”  Is this a flaw of my generation – are we so used to our consumer instant gratification that we also expect the same in relationships.   If our current partner does not meet our “ideal” do we toss them aside and trade them in for the next possibly more “ideal” partner, much like discarding the iPhone 3G because the newer and improved iPhone 4 just came out, even though the former served us well and had almost all the features we wanted?  Only to realize even the iPhone 4 has its flaws.  How do we get to a point where we feel like Bruno Mars and find the other person “amazing, just the way [they] are” even after the honeymoon phase in a relationship (you know, the period of time where we think the other person’s “$%&@ don’t stink”) ends.  Getting back to change, a good friend of mine believes relationships between two people change over time - you could be in a very different relationship now than the one you started out in or the one you’ll be in down the road.  The trick is learning to change together to grow stronger and not apart.

My therapist made one statement this week that really stuck with me when both the ex and I were feeling a bit crappy talking about the past and where we are at in our separated state – change occurs when things are tough, not when things are going well.  It is in the moments that might really seem the lowest in a relationship that the most change is occurring - sometimes even for the better, if you can see beyond the pain.