Time Out

I recently took a time out from being Mama.  It was time I definitely needed to refresh and recharge, and to remember what life was like before having children.  My adventure started with a flight to London Heathrow, then a train to Paddington, then a car ride through the countryside of England.  Wouldn't you know travel is so much easier without carseats and strollers.  My first two nights were spent at an incredible place in Somerset called Babington House where I was reunited with some of my best high school friends (we shared a boarding school experience that bonded us for life).  Jet lag really worked in my favor considering California was 8 hours behind England - this meant I rallied the troops into a late night in the lovely bar and drank two of the local boys under the table (okay it hit me hard the next day that I probably shouldn't have ended my night with those two zambucca drinks).  I was free from responsibility and made the most of every minute.

My second day in England was my good friend's wedding and it was incredible.  What a gorgeous couple, beautiful family and friends, and an incredible setting.  I was giddy with all the love.  We all had another late night, dancing the hours away and enjoying quite a party.  Some people might think that going to weddings would be wierd for someone going through separation, but I have to tell you I find great comfort in seeing the strength of love and the hopefulness of new unions forming.  I love weddings and marriage and saw first hand in this particular union two people who lift each other up, each making the other a better person.  Coming home from this wedding I realized this to be my definition of success in a relationship - when two people together equal far greater a sum than the value of each individual alone. 

I spent a total of 6 days in England and had a really fantastic time away.  Here are some fun facts that I took away from my "time out:"

• Being hung over is not so bad when you don't have kids to care for
• I really like to dance
• Sitting around with friends talking for hours into the night is so much fun
• Claw footed tubs set in bathrooms of marble are very luxurious
• The exchange rate on the Pound is depressing
• Telling someone you aren't wearing "pants" (ie, you are wearing a skirt instead) actually means something quite naughty (think Britney Spears on TMZ)
• I enjoy English accents

Since I didn't take photos of myself in front of famous London monuments, I leave you with these images of very English things:



Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Most people don’t go into relationships hoping to change the other person (although I will say I quite enjoyed “helping” my college boyfriend learn how to dress nicer).  Change happens inevitably in any relationship and most often as a result of an outside force – the increase of financial responsibilities due to home ownership, having children, etc.  These things tend to force change upon people and sometimes before they are ready.  People’s responses to change can be all over the board from taking complete responsibility to running the other direction.  Life situations certainly drive change, but what about when the person who says they love you for who you are wants you to change a thing (or two)?  They may come from a place of wanting you to become an even better version of yourself (be it healthier, fitter, or happier), but unless you also see the need to change you will most likely take their suggestion as an insult.  I got to thinking about change this week after another insightful “couples” therapy session.  I Googled “can people change” and came across plenty of internet garbage, but also some interesting articles.

In reading the following article, I found this quote particularly interesting: “In a modern culture driven by instant gratification, many people feel that fighting about recurring issues is enough of a reason to end a relationship.”  Is this a flaw of my generation – are we so used to our consumer instant gratification that we also expect the same in relationships.   If our current partner does not meet our “ideal” do we toss them aside and trade them in for the next possibly more “ideal” partner, much like discarding the iPhone 3G because the newer and improved iPhone 4 just came out, even though the former served us well and had almost all the features we wanted?  Only to realize even the iPhone 4 has its flaws.  How do we get to a point where we feel like Bruno Mars and find the other person “amazing, just the way [they] are” even after the honeymoon phase in a relationship (you know, the period of time where we think the other person’s “$%&@ don’t stink”) ends.  Getting back to change, a good friend of mine believes relationships between two people change over time - you could be in a very different relationship now than the one you started out in or the one you’ll be in down the road.  The trick is learning to change together to grow stronger and not apart.

My therapist made one statement this week that really stuck with me when both the ex and I were feeling a bit crappy talking about the past and where we are at in our separated state – change occurs when things are tough, not when things are going well.  It is in the moments that might really seem the lowest in a relationship that the most change is occurring - sometimes even for the better, if you can see beyond the pain.     

Edited to Add...

...okay, I may reconsider getting some "help" to regain my feminity at some point in the future.  It appears that the "good" fat on my body has disappeared along with the bad fat, and while I enjoy being in shape I feel less womanly than I did.  Maybe it's just that I spent the last 5 years with hormone-induced or breastfeeding-induced hypertrophy of the breasts, but one thing I can say is I miss my boobs.  Maybe I just need some time to adjust to being the size I was in early puberty...

In the Name of Beauty

Every 4-6 weeks I go to a complete stranger and allow her to electrocute my va-jajay...all in the name of beauty.  No this isn't some fancy new shock therapy geared towards increasing "drive" or rejuvenating the privates, but rather plain old laser hair removal.  A procedure I have been thinking about doing for many years now, you see, although I'm blond (with a little help) I descend from ancestors of the hairy-German variety - my maternal grandfather had some impressive hair growth on his fingers and toes and a carpet-like covering on his chest and back.  Luckily that was counterbalanced in my genetic make-up by my fairly-hairless father.  Needless to say I have griped about shaving my armpits and bikini area for years.  And since this is my year of change I took the plunge and handed over a wad of hard-earned cash to get tortured every 4-6 weeks.

We of the woman-kind seem to enjoy torturing our bodies in order achieve (or retain) beauty.  We cannot simply age gracefully because our society places such high value on youth.  I recently watched an Oprah with Teri Hatcher and some other older-generation beauties in which they were discussing just this matter.  Our life-expectancy is increasing, yet society has little regard for people over a certain age and there is an intense pressure to remain looking young.  Women can't just be 50 and look 50, they need to be 50 and look 30 (without looking like they've had "work" done).  So does that mean at 30 I should still look 15? 

As a woman no longer in her 20s what I want in a future partner has evolved.  He will be someone who looks beyond outward appearance and appreciates me for who I am.  He will love how I look now, but won't love me any less if my looks fade into an older version of what they are today.  I don't plan to be a woman who surgically seeks continued youth.  We'd all like smooth and flawless thighs, flat abs, and perfect boobs that point skyward, but we can't all stay looking 20 forever.  My stomach shows proof of having born two gorgeous children and when I look at it in the mirror I find incredible beauty in that. 

"Couples" Therapy: Insight into Men v. Women

We haven't been a couple for 5 months now, but the ex and I are finally going to therapy together.  We have two children so we need to be on the same page so our focus began with them.  Inevitably we've also delved into the demise of our relationship.  Our story is likely no different to any other couple's story - when communication lacks relationships suffer.  He wanted something from me but didn't communicate, I wanted another thing from him but didn't communicate.  We all assume the other can read our minds or know what we want.  We assume our significant other knows us well enough to know when we're upset about something.  Ehhh <insert annoying buzzer noise>.  What I realized from talking to the therapist (and something I thought I always knew) is that men and women are SO incredibly different in how they think and communicate - it really is a wonder that any relationships work long-term.  I guess those that make it know how to talk it out.  You get upset or want something from the other person, you talk or yell or fight it out, then you get on with life. 

One significant difference that came up in our therapy session is what invigorates women versus men to be "in the mood."  Men (and this is a generalization, some like random things like computer servers and ewoks and star trek) are visually stimulated and like sexy things; women on the other hand respond to their significant other doing things like cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes, or helping relieve their stressful burden of household chores in a plethora of other ways.  Do men even know that?  I think a lot more of them would be jumping to help tidy the kitchen after dinner if they did.  I did a little (non-scientific) research and came up with a hilarious series of pictures from a book called Porn for Women

I don't know about you but I'd certainly be more "in the mood" if someone cooked me dinner and cleaned up too without being asked.  I found the following in one more scientific article: "According to research conducted in the “love labs” of Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington, when men contribute more domestic labor, their wives may be more likely to get “in the mood.” Coltrane said wives may be less stressed over balancing work and home. In addition, Coltrane, Gottman, and other social scientists report that wives interpret husbands’ domestic contributions as a sign of love and caring and are therefore more sexually attracted to their mates. Although there is more negotiation over who does what in such families, it appears that their relationships actually improve."

Makes sense, right?  So the take home for today's lesson in relationships (from someone who is no longer in one) is communicate, communicate, communicate and subtely drop hints to your man (perhaps print a few articles or e-mail some links) that he might want to think about helping around the house.

The Divorce Diet

Have you ever had an extra <insert number here> pounds that seem impossible to lose?  Who am I kidding - I should have just asked "are you a woman?"  I had an extra 10 pounds that hung onto me for dear life after I had my kids and those 10 pounds seemed to really like being a part of me.  I have to admit that I avoided the gym for the past 4 years, partly because in that time period I was pregnant twice (and who needs to work out while pregnant, right?), and mostly because I resisted the gentle (and not so gentle) suggestions from my loved ones that I should work out.  It was my stubbornness shining through (and my hope that I would be loved no matter my shape or size).  The funny thing is I like to exercise, and I like the gym.  I still made every excuse in the book not to go.

Well a little known fact is that divorce is a great diet.  I don't recommend it for those of you looking to lose weight, but if there is a positive side-effect to break-up then I sure as heck am going to bring it up.  When I Googled "divorce diet" I found an article (actually there are thousands) on just this topic.  Here is a little snippet from the article:

The divorce diet is "a phenomenon known all too well to survivors of painful breakups: the tendency to lose a lot of weight, quickly, while going through a divorce. And no, we're not talking about the 170 pounds you just dumped from your life. We're talking about the pounds that melt away like butter on a hot day, while your heart breaks into a million pieces. Yes, this diet works. But nobody will tell you it's easy."

-Link to Dallas Morning News Article-

Losing weight is a pretty no-brainer equation - burn more calories than you consume.  If you're interested in how this works in terms of the divorce diet, here is what I have found:

Ingredients:
1 part stress
1 part lack of appetite
2 parts hoping to appeal to the opposite gender
a dash of insecurity
a sprinkle of self-doubt

Instructions:

1. To counter the effects of the stress, visit the gym often and feel better from the side-effects of the endorphins.  Get inspiration from other gym-loving mommy friends.
2. To cancel out the insecurity and self-doubt, get body back in to shape by visiting aforementioned gym and buy new cute clothes.
3. Step 2 also helps you to appeal to the opposite gender (even if you are far, far away from going there).
4. When cooking food for your kids, wait until they are done to eat since inevitably you will finish their food.  This helps you avoid eating two meals (this step is also beneficial to moms not going though divorce).
5. Focus on all the positive in your life, rather than the negative, and try to keep a smile on your face even if you hurt inside.

Check it out - Before & After

Unmarried White Female

Did you know that in the legal world when you get divorced you go from a status of Married to Unmarried.  Never again are you Single!  How does my personal ad sound now - "unmarried woman seeks lovely man to enjoy romantic evenings cuddled in front of the fireplace" - doesn't it make you think I want to be married again, like now, pronto, desperately?  Maybe I'll hold off on posting my personal for a while longer...Match.com will always be there, filled with pages and pages of people just hoping to meet their soul-mates (or bed-mates).  For now I am content to enjoy my unmarried-life; unmarried is uncomplicated.  I get to put myself first in my relationship with me.  I get to eat chocolate for dinner and watch all the girly shows and chick-flicks I want.  I don't have to think twice that Sunday means Football and I don't have to buy beer when I go to the supermarket.  Heck, I don't have to shave!

New but not Improved

You know what feels great? Imagining your ex wallowing in despair at his foolishness and regretting his decision to leave for the rest of his life.  The image below is what I was expecting.  And the possible future groveling and begging for another chance.  To which I would gallantly say "pooh, pooh. you had your chance and blew it buster."

You know what doesn't feel great? Discovering that your ex took up with another woman (okay girl) just weeks after he left you.  Did I mention Rebound Girl is 21.  When we had our first child 3.5 years ago Rebound Girl was not yet a high school graduate.  I know what he is thinking.  But what could Rebound Girl be thinking?  Then I remember I was her age when I met him and recall the things that appealed to me at that young, carefree, party-girl age - and let's face it, the ex has not changed in the last 9 years.  And then I also think of all the girls who get caught up with married men, believing that they will leave their wives for them, and feeling special because of it, because they are the chosen ones.  Oh dear poor young girls.  If only you could meet your future selves for coffee and experience the wake-up call of your future hurt.  We all must make our own mistakes though.

It's all good and fine to worry about young girls being foolish, but what about me?  Oh lord did I feel the effects of the ugly green monster of jealousy.  I almost didn't recognize myself.  In an instant my confidence went out the window and I became a shadow of myself, jealous that Rebound Girl had what I couldn't keep.  I started to wonder what was so wrong with me that he left me and went running into some young thing's arms that is not half the woman I am.  Hurt, despair, depression...hello self-loathing.  I couldn't sleep or eat (positive side-effect = weight loss) and I started blaming myself for the downfall of our relationship.  Fast-forward a week and thankfully the real me returned.  Exercising and talking about it with girlfriends brought me back to my sanity.  And the realization that Rebound Girl has a broken man on her hands, a man that doesn't meet my qualifications for a good partner.  Phew, thank goodness my insanity was temporary. 

You know what's funny (okay, none of this is really funny)?  Ex and I used to joke about him trading me in for a younger model (people, I'm only 30 with a lot of life left in me).  The thing he doesn't realize is that while the leather may be smooth and without creases, the new model lacks many of the features that the older and more dependable model has.  It seems that all that matters to ex is that he look cool and drive something that makes people turn their heads and want to be him.  The convertible sportscar may make you feel cool, but there's no room to bring your friends along for a ride, or to strap the carseats in, or to take the long drive through life.  The convertible will only get you so far and then you'll be trading it in for something else in the constant search for a model that makes you feel young and cool and hip once again. 

Retail Therapy

How did I ever live without you?

Revelation

Most of my close family and friends are aware of my current life situation.  Some of you may be hearing all this for the first time.  Four months ago my husband left me over a breakfast conversation as I was getting the kids and myself ready to go to work for the day.  I was a Lakers-playoff widow that week, just as I had previously been a ski-season widow, and I asked my husband if he could watch the Lakers game at home that night.  He bluntly said "No", and I responded "For once I wish you would choose me, us, over everything else." The response I received was "I don't think I can ever do that."  Way to drop a bomb.  Over breakfast?  Really?  So my non-believer-of-couples-counseling husband made up his mind that our relationship was over.  Then and there.  Over breakfast on a random Wednesday.  In front of the kids.  Wow.

It has been four months but I started therapy just two weeks ago.  I have had a lot of support from friends and family and lots of long talks, but there's something about opening-up to someone that isn't partial to one side or another that helps.  Hearing an unbiased opinion and learning that I am not the first (nor will I be the last) to feel how I feel really helps.  As part of my therapy, I've decided to blog about my experience and to open up to the world about how I am feeling about my separation and divorce.  I have moments of anger, of sadness, of hopefulness, of downright depression, and that's all in the course of a day.  Mostly I am content.  I am an incredible mother and have two gorgeous children that fill my heart with all the love I need.  I have a house and a great job and so many loving friends.  I have an amazing mother and dream inlaws (and yes, they will always be my inlaws).  I have a sense of humor about some things, and am fiercely practical.  So much so that after about three days of mourning my marriage I started researching the divorce process and spent the first few months managing my divorce paperwork and the refinance of my house.  I have become my own divorce attorney thanks to the World Wide Web.

Like with all things in my life I set out to be the best I can be.  I set out to be the best wife close to 6 years ago, and now I am determined to set out to be the best single mother possible.  Who knew it would come so easily - actually the day my husband moved out my list of chores grew only by 2 items: take out the trash and pay the gardener.  I had plenty of practice being a single-mom in the previous year, with many a weekend here, 5 days there, and even 10 days on an occasion.  The impact on my life the day my husband moved out was minimal.  Am I allowed to admit that I felt a sense of relief.  I had spent years taking care of a grown man and years putting his needs first; feeling the need to check-in with him before I made plans.  I spent years getting very little back.  I finally felt like I could breathe again. 

So if you feel inclined, join me on my journey through separation, divorce, and beyond.  What the future brings I cannot be certain of.  I am entirely optimistic though.